Learning to Come Back - 5 Lessons and Teachers

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Coming back after a baby... these are loaded words- there are expectations that society sets on you, expectations that you set up for yourself and a baby that has its own agenda! Physically, mentally and emotionally, there is much to acknowledge and understand for all of us. I have given much thought to what it takes to find the perfect day with a 8 year old and a 18 month old in tow. 

My 5 lessons to start with...

1. A perfect day does not exist: If you are wondering if my article is already over, it isn't. A perfect day has long been defined as one of perfect balance between work accomplished, hobbies well done and a cheerful day with family and friends... Ya- read that again. Now you know why a perfect day doesn't exist. If you still think otherwise, ask any new mom/mom-of-toddler!  

But here are my sure-shot perfect days. Focus on gaining 10 minutes of a quiet mind everyday, 20 minutes of exercise and 30 minutes of cheerful kids! And then I would sneak in a 40 minute exercise one of those days as a treat to myself. Try it and kick that old definition of a 'perfect day' outta the window!

2. New Normal: You hear a lot about the 'New Normal post pandemic'? Well, it's just that every mom has had as many 'new-normals' as the number of kids she has had. There is no such thing as 'returning' to work; you just find new ways to work out things, work around things, sometimes even a new work thing! 

As a performer, this postpartum time has made me reflect on all the work that I engaged with before my pregnancy and weigh out what works for me in MY new normal. And My new normal is different from yours. It's this diversity of work and life that we often prescribe for someone else but rarely for ourselves. 

So what is my sure shot New-Normal? Create content that can be done while the toddler naps; and coordinate calendars with the spouse so that you get 'work-time' without 'Amma- Amma- amma-ammammmmmmmmmaaaaaaa'.

3. 'Change is Constant' you've heard. Well, change is also continuously dynamic: If you have a post-partum body, you know that! When my second child was born, it took me a month before I could walk comfortably again. It took me 8 months to be able to strike my foot on the floor comfortably- and I am a Bharatanatyam dancer! At 20 months, I am stronger today than I was a year ago, but I am also trying to constantly understand HOW my body is changing and responding to what I feed it.

So what is my sure-shot change tracker? Well, the idea is to have a long term strength goal, but to keep it flexible. Because- scroll up to point number 1- perfect days don't happen all the time! And to anyone who compares you with another mom, tell them to scoot.

4. Discipline over fatigue: A lesson I remind myself about everyday - to put my phone away a bit more. But then there are days when discipline is elusive because fatigue rules. And so the other thing I also tell myself is to let go a bit and probably watch a movie with the daughter or rhymes with the baby or sneak away and watch something for myself. And on another day, when I have slept more than 5 hours, I will hide the monster-screens from everyone, including myself. 

For now, my discipline is this- I commit to my editors the number of articles I will submit. I commit to collaborators on work that I will plan for the next week/month and I commit to my mother all the dance work I plan for. It's easier to have planned commitments for the month that can be spread out on all your 'good work days' rather than plan out each day! One baby step at a time towards a well-charted day, week, month, year. 

5. Build your own sisterhood: The aim should be to build a world that is empathetic of each other- one which raises its children in a compassionate environment of work, fun and enjoyable chaos- for that world to become reality requires men and women to become equal partners in everything, for women to stop playing menial power games over each other, for communities to nurture every individual, and so much more.

If that sounds like a long shot, here's is what I do so that my soul is nourished and not famished- I shield myself from menial gossip, lean in on friends and family that inspire and laugh at every joke that comes my way. And over time, it has just so happened that I have been able to connect with a lot of like minded people who re-affirm all that I believe in and aspire to! The rest are to be ignored vehemently!

Everyday is a lesson, every body is a teacher...So many more chapters to learn from!

Janani is a performer, biologist, freelance writer and ecopreneur.

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